Trees Are Bastards By Sally Satan

Now amidst all the current chatter of climate change inevitably being a Bad Thing, the still small voice of calm must be heard. How many people do you know who have died recently as a direct result of climate change? Exactly. None. And yet we go on, beating ourselves up for being human and not animal or mineral, and for ruining the planet. But we should stop this nature-worshipping immediately. For human beings have a natural enemy. The tree.

Think about it. TREES. According to a reliable source*, there are people being killed every day by falling coconuts. Not surprising considering that a coconut falls with the force of 1 metric tonne. As well as that, you've got people dying as a result of lightning striking a tree they just happened to be innocently walking under. Frisbees get stuck in them, causing misery to children, depriving them of essential exercise and forcing them to slink back home to the Playstation. Resulting in obesity, then heart disease and death.

Yes, trees kill children too.

How many people do you know who haven't suffered a tree related injury? Even celebrities are not protected from their wrath … from falling out of one (Keith Richards) to fatally crashing into one (Marc Bolan). Kites get mangled in them and ruined forever. Cats get stranded in them, resulting in thousands of taxpayer's money being spent in calling out the fire brigade to rescue little Kitty. And worst of all, hippies hug them.

As for the protester I saw in the news bearing the sign TREES DON'T RAPE, well they obviously haven't seen The Evil Dead, have they? Face it. Human beings might not always be the kindest, most caring people in the world, but trees can be bastards too. (* Bear Grylls. Well, he has climbed a lot of 'em.)

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