Goldilocks And The Three Bares By Amanda Lowe

Goldilocks had a problem with way too much fanny hair; It was long and unruly and sported out everywhere, Venturing southwards from the sides of her underwear. Being naked with men was something she didn't dare. She's gone to the beauty parlour to ask if they Could neaten her pubes that were wild and astray. So they started plucking with the greatest of care, Making her front bottom a little more bare. With pubic hair trimmed in triangular formation, Goldilocks could wear knickers of a smaller creation And she's thrown away her granniepants, in the hope of fornication; But she still was not happy, on closer observation. Back at the beauty parlour, legs open wide, 'Could you please take a little more hair from the sides?' And brandishing a razor with the greatest of care, They narrowed her fuzz to a medium bare.

Goldilocks wasn't Goldilocks; they now called her 'Hitler Tash'. It was neat and quite short and it looked like a false eyelash, But the stubble was growing and gave her a nasty rash, She had to walk like John Wayne and save up her cash, Because back at the beauty parlour, she's had enough, 'I want you to wax all the hairs from my muff.' So they ripped off the wax as her screams filled the air 'Twas Hitler Tash no more - she'd had the big bear. Looking naked in the mirror - sweet Jesus and Mary! She's as bald as a coot where she once was quite hairy, And the men she attracts now are perverts and lairy, When they hear she's a baldy they get rather scary. No more to the beauty parlour, she's growing it back, It's itchy and scratchy all over her crack, But it's worth it, because she now knows that gentlemen prefer A big sweaty minge that is covered in hair.

Copyright Amanda Lowe 2008

Comments System Prototype Version 1.0 by Mo

Poetry - Three British Bankers By Anonymous.

	Three British bankers sat upon a wall along came a policeman and they began to call Hey Mr Policeman Hey Mr Cop Read more...

Poetry - A Conversation with a Chav By Gary Johnson.

	Does the pope wear a big hat? Does a bird shit in the woods? Was the earth once really flat? Do Audbreys sell dodgy goods? Why is there life on Bransholme When there ain't no life on mars? Why are pumps still called sandshoes When there is no beach for miles? Read more...

Poetry - Black Dog By Laura Fry

	My whole life has been plagued by this black dog I found my prince after So many frogs But then I thought there must be something greater Home grass is so much greener, I found out later I was so wrong I found myself a slave to sin and drink Read more...

Poetry - Come On You 'Ull By Mike Watts
	Statistics claim my city sucks And in 'Crap Towns' and other books They say - poverty and slum have tied the knot And we're all wild on drink and pot, And teenage girls with STD's Push their buggies in two's and three's, Past feral gangs tooled-up and hooded Read more...

Poetry - Junction 19 By Beth Mcgann.

	From under the table he can see half-shoes and a jacket. Sometimes he feels grubby but can never seem to get clean. He is busy twisting all his bad thoughts into little knots of paper. In the kitchen someone is weighing things on the scales. He lives in a house full of cupboards. Read More

Poetry - Paranoid Conspiracy Theory Nursery Rhyme By Joe Hakim

The dolphins leapt over the pyramid, and there's a secret base on the moon, and the giant lizards laughed to see such fun, and the Roswell crash    Read more...

Poetry - Wheel of Misfortune By Mike Watts
	He went mad again And blew his brick Like the brainless prick He's turning out to be, It's the roulette you see, Her tight little gash Keeps swallowing cash Read more...

Poetry - the end-of-waiting room By Beth Mcgann.

	i don't really give a fuck about anything. does it show? i must be belly-white by now, running my finger around the edges of my cell. i make geometry. when the dirt comes it holds my palms together and forces little code-words out of the pores. no mathematics. Read More

Poetry - Rock, Paper, Scissors and You and Me By Holly Roach

	I'm rock and you're scissors And I'll bludgeon you to death with boredom Once again tonight. I'm paper and you're rock, I'll smother you too tight That you can't break free. I'm paper and you're scissors, Read more...

Poetry - Mimic By Katherine Horrex

	My arms are folded. Glancing at you I catch you quick-glancing at I, and a moment later your arms become folded. It's like a dance for the reflective Read more...

Poetry - Somewhere in Mind By Mike Watts
	This place has a crystal river A shimmering snake of colour Drizzling through a landscape Of emerald and sapphire, Framed and hung the thousand times That I've closed my eyes To see it. Read more...

Poetry - Another Shite Poem By The Criminally Awful Michelle Dee
	A bed too far A taxi too soon Remember to note down The name of that tune Send a message to An electric friend Read more...

Poetry - Poetry Is... By Joe Hakim

Some people ask: What is poetry? Is it about metre rhyme stanzas    Read more...

Poetry - Hey! You! or: Recommended reading: ever tried reading your bookcase sideways at three in the morning after an afternoon drinking bacardi and coke (if not maybe you should)?.

	hey che where are you today? your primark t-shirt passed my way no logo brain-dead! branded cripple-handed Read more...

Poetry - Those Indie Chicks By Joe Hakim

With your asymmetrical haircuts bleached almost white, gonna have it large tonight, drink and flirt in your pencil thin skirts and funky little tops from the vintage clothes shops,    Read more...

Poetry - Fucking Jeremy Kyle (what you don't see in Tesco's).

	the thompsons are not quite in their right minds as if they had spent a long time in the hospital, their horse-high ambition destined for the knackers she with the birds nest hair tuts into the living room Read More

Poetry - The Lesson By Joe Hakim

There's a lesson to be learnt, even if I don't know what it is. I'm at a friend's house and I'm checking my e-mail and there it is: a poetry organisation has nominated me for    Read more...

Poetry - Heron By Katherine Horrex
	Puffed up, portentous. Mortar board tassels Flapping with distinction in the breeze, a heron Has with ease cast off his fledgling's first year rags, Graduating from estuary banks to next door's pond- A task that has presented him a sharp thirst It seems, as he sips at the siphon before sniping fish Read more...

Poetry - Snakes and Things By Andrea Longstaff

	When I take pictures my eyes realign At the end of the day I sleep in a barn The wandering insane impinged on my pain So I listened to music 'till sunrise When she asked for my name I said "I don't know" I'd forgot who I was a long time ago Read more...

Poetry - Now She's Gone By Mike Watts
	Every Friday was pizza night And we'd share a large pepperoni With extra chilli And a box of fries Which I always dished out 60/40 Because she was too gorgeous To be ruined by equal portions. Read more...

Poetry - I Can't Speak For You By Paul England

	every turn I ever took left me questioning my mind I'm picking through my closet but the truth is all I find life has left me lost feeling only blind Read more...

Poetry - The Petite Bourgeoisie By Laura Fry

	Your parents did their best for you And that's why money's always meant a lot They were never well-to-do So you'd do so much better, so you thought Baby-boomer, Sixties child Sex and money all rolled into one Read more...